Seagull At Work

Ok so I was downstairs having a smoke and I noticed a seagull at work. He was getting at a slice of pizza and the way he did it was really interesting to me here’s how it went down from his point of view.

I’ll call the seagull “Jim” to make things easier to follow.

“Ok let’s see if there’s anything around here”

Jim flies around surveying the road for anything delicious that may be laying around.

“Wow there’s a bit of potential.”

Jim spots an overflowing rubbish bin on the side of the road with pizza boxes laying around it and one balanced delicately on top. He swoops down and lands on it.

“I’ll just land on here and –WOW WHAT THE FUCK, UNSTABLE SURFACE!”

He thinks to himself as the pizza box starts wiggling beneath his feet and he has to make a sudden glide onto the sidewalk. Pizza box crashes down from the top of the rubbish pile protruding over the brim of the bin.

“Phew, close one. I could have lost a leg like Marty. Situation averted –Wow ho, ho! What’s this?! Well hello there slice of Domino’s Godfather. How are you today? What was that? Ready for consumption? Why don’t I just help you with that?”

Suddenly a man comes walking down the road.

 “Oh shit here comes one of those flightless bipeds. I knew this was too good to be true he’s probably put this here in an attempt to trap me. Well I’m too smart for you huoomAn!”

The man passes ignoring Jim.

“Hmm he clearly wasn’t the one who lay this clever trap here for me. I’ll just walk around and see if the true mastermind will show himself…. Guess I was just being paranoid”

Jim starts pecking at the slice of pie after walking around it cautiously for a while. Another man comes walking down the road.

*hum gobble chew*”Oh shit he’s probably gonna want this too. God damn it, you can’t find a score like this and not expect someone else to want in on it too.”
Jim flies up onto the canopy above. The man passes without giving the pizza a single glance.

“Hmm… What is wrong with these people? None of them seem to care about this delicious slice. Oh well more for me.”

Jim swoops back down and continues munching on the slice. A few more people walk past. He keeps an eye on them but doesn’t stop eating. Suddenly a bus comes down the road.

“Oh shit one of those huge things! I’ve seen those eat people he’ll definitely try to eat anything he sees. AHHH DON’T EAT ME!!!!”

Jim flies off, down the road then back up to the canopy above the bin and pizza.

“Hmm he was probably full. Those things do nothing but eat people and run around all day. This would probably just get stuck in his teeth. Let’s get back to it then.”

Back down he goes and continues eating it. A few more cars come through that scare Jim back onto the canopy till he finally realizes they have no interest in his pizza. However the sidewalk is a dangerous place for a nice dinner so he comes up with a plan.
“I can’t eat this down there. I’ve been lucky so far but at any moment a hungry thing that’s much bigger than me will want my slice and it’ll probably try to eat me too. Even if that doesn’t happen who can relax and eat when the danger is so great. I’d better take it somewhere nice and quiet, preferably with mood lighting and hot, young, horny chicks.”

He flies down once more and grabs the corner of the pizza slice in his beak and takes off.

“Thucctheth!!!!”

Suddenly

“FUCK!!!”

He drops the slice onto the road.

“I’m not losing this. Oh shit, car. FUCK YOU THIS IS MINE! Damn it he’s chasing me!!!”

He runs along the road for a while trying to get out of the cars way which has now slowed down and is in response trying to dodge Jim but his attempt to run in zigzag and dodge the car only  gets him right in its path again so he flies up and swoops back down when it has passed.

“Seagus Christ that thing was gunning for me. And the way it slowed down I could tell he was getting ready to pounce. That’s it no more distractions I’m going for it!”

He swoops back down pecking at the slice and dodging cars left and right finally the road is too busy and he has to fly up again.
“Hmm there seems to be a pattern to this flow of danger. Maybe if I wait here on the canopy I can study it and choose the right time to strike.”

Suddenly another seagull swoops down at the pizza out of nowhere.
“OH HELL NO BITCH!!!!”

Jim flies headfirst at the other seagull…

This is when I finished my cigarette and left. I’ll never know what happened to Jim or that pizza. Some say a hungry buss ate him, others say “skwak, skwak” but I like to believe that he defended that booty with all his might and in the end his perseverance paid off. He’s probably up high on some building eating his pizza slice with some hot young thing who lives by the beach. They’ll probably get married someday. 

Androgynee the Deity of Gender

My friend recently came out as being transgender. He feels like a woman trapped in a man’s body. This got me thinking, there are very few role models for people who feel as though they were dealt the wrong genitals at birth. For example. Throughout mythology there are no heroes or heroines for gender confused people to look up to. Sure there’s Xena the warrior princess who’s a bit butch and likely a lesbian (The actress who played her in the t.v series Lucy Lawless sure is) but that’s for a different demographic so I decided to make one up.

Disclaimer: If anyone who has struggled with gender in their life feels offended by this, it is not meant to poke fun at you in any way it is just a character I thought of so if you’re offended kindly click away from this page because you’re looking too deep into this and you’re better off surfing sites that won’t piss you off.

Androgynee, the deity of gender:

...is neither male nor female. Androgynee is gender free and can switch between genders as Androgynee pleases. Therefore gender specific words such as; he, she, his, her etc. cannot be used to talk about Androgynee and only Androgynee’s name may be used as a reference. Androgynee, whether appearing as male or female, appears divinely handsome or beautiful and is the epitome of masculinity or femininity depending on the form taken. Needless to say Androgynee can also appear at various degrees of either. Androgynee is capable of turning men into women and vice versa and has been known to take people’s genitals away as punishment, leaving them with nothing but a flat bump and a tiny hole to pee from. Androgynee cannot take away or change a person’s sexual preferences though.

Hermaphroleas:

…is the demigod/ess offspring of Androgynee, the deity of gender. Hermaphroleas is, as the name suggests, a hermaphrodite and is therefore both male and female. Hermaphroleas has the strength of a thousand people, 500 men and 500 women (for those mathematicians out there I’m basing this on average strength). S/he travels the world teaching tolerance and coming to the rescue of those who are oppressed for their gender ambiguity. Androgynee, like all Greek deities seemed to do, rather liked getting it on with humans and since Androgynee can’t reproduce on Androgynee’s own, Androgynee raped a man, Pudentus, taking his seed, incubating it in Androgynee’s body and then made sweet, consensual love to Androgynee’s most faithful worshipper, Phalemea who bore Androgynee an offspring. The other gods and goddesses got jealous coz they all kinda fancied Androgynee even though none of them were ever exclusive and they set 26 labors for Hermaphroleas (these will be detailed at a later date). It was said that upon completing the 26 labors Hermaphroleas would be allowed up on Olympus to live with Androgynee and the other gods and goddesses. While Hermaphroleas is often sought out by many gods and goddesses as the object of their affections s/he is also often shunned and attacked by others due to their lack of tolerance and disgust towards him/er. Oftentimes many of the gods and goddesses will switch from being pro Hermaphroleas to against him/er or vice versa. Hermaphroleas is often shunned and misunderstood by society for being different and has trouble fitting in but despite all this hardship s/he never hides his/er true self and is proud to the bone of who s/he is. Sometimes to his/er detriment considering this immense pride keeps him/er from ever donning a disguise to overcome challenges choosing instead to face everything head on making it clear who s/he is. His/er battle cry “I am Hermaphroleas!!!”, which has been described as a deep rumbling screech, is known to be so loud and terrifying that it can blow regular men off their feet and strike fear, confusion and immense discomfort in the hearts of even the most hardened soldiers.