Ok so I was
downstairs having a smoke and I noticed a seagull at work. He was getting at a
slice of pizza and the way he did it was really interesting to me here’s how it
went down from his point of view.
I’ll call the seagull “Jim” to make things easier to follow.
“Ok let’s see if there’s anything around here”
Jim flies around
surveying the road for anything delicious that may be laying around.
“Wow there’s a bit of potential.”
Jim spots an
overflowing rubbish bin on the side of the road with pizza boxes laying around
it and one balanced delicately on top. He swoops down and lands on it.
“I’ll just land on here and –WOW WHAT THE FUCK, UNSTABLE
SURFACE!”
He thinks to himself
as the pizza box starts wiggling beneath his feet and he has to make a sudden
glide onto the sidewalk. Pizza box crashes down from the top of the rubbish
pile protruding over the brim of the bin.
“Phew, close one. I could have lost a leg like Marty.
Situation averted –Wow ho, ho! What’s this?! Well hello there slice of Domino’s
Godfather. How are you today? What was that? Ready for consumption? Why don’t I
just help you with that?”
Suddenly a man comes
walking down the road.
“Oh shit here comes
one of those flightless bipeds. I knew this was too good to be true he’s
probably put this here in an attempt to trap me. Well I’m too smart for you
huoomAn!”
The man passes
ignoring Jim.
“Hmm he clearly wasn’t the one who lay this clever trap here
for me. I’ll just walk around and see if the true mastermind will show himself….
Guess I was just being paranoid”
Jim starts pecking at
the slice of pie after walking around it cautiously for a while. Another man
comes walking down the road.
*hum gobble chew*”Oh shit he’s probably gonna want this too.
God damn it, you can’t find a score like this and not expect someone else to
want in on it too.”
Jim flies up onto the canopy above. The
man passes without giving the pizza a single glance.
“Hmm… What is wrong with these people? None of them seem to
care about this delicious slice. Oh well more for me.”
Jim swoops back down
and continues munching on the slice. A few more people walk past. He keeps an
eye on them but doesn’t stop eating. Suddenly a bus comes down the road.
“Oh shit one of those huge things! I’ve seen those eat
people he’ll definitely try to eat anything he sees. AHHH DON’T EAT ME!!!!”
Jim flies off, down
the road then back up to the canopy above the bin and pizza.
“Hmm he was probably full. Those things do nothing but eat
people and run around all day. This would probably just get stuck in his teeth.
Let’s get back to it then.”
Back down he goes and
continues eating it. A few more cars come through that scare Jim back onto the
canopy till he finally realizes they have no interest in his pizza. However the
sidewalk is a dangerous place for a nice dinner so he comes up with a plan.
“I can’t eat this down there. I’ve been lucky so far but at any moment a
hungry thing that’s much bigger than me will want my slice and it’ll probably
try to eat me too. Even if that doesn’t happen who can relax and eat when the
danger is so great. I’d better take it somewhere nice and quiet, preferably
with mood lighting and hot, young, horny chicks.”
He flies down once
more and grabs the corner of the pizza slice in his beak and takes off.
“Thucctheth!!!!”
Suddenly
“FUCK!!!”
He drops the slice
onto the road.
“I’m not losing this. Oh shit, car. FUCK YOU THIS IS MINE!
Damn it he’s chasing me!!!”
He runs along the road
for a while trying to get out of the cars way which has now slowed down and is
in response trying to dodge Jim but his attempt to run in zigzag and dodge the
car only gets him right in its path
again so he flies up and swoops back down when it has passed.
“Seagus Christ that thing was gunning for me. And the way it
slowed down I could tell he was getting ready to pounce. That’s it no more
distractions I’m going for it!”
He swoops back down
pecking at the slice and dodging cars left and right finally the road is too
busy and he has to fly up again.
“Hmm there seems to be a pattern to this flow of danger. Maybe if I wait
here on the canopy I can study it and choose the right time to strike.”
Suddenly another
seagull swoops down at the pizza out of nowhere.
“OH HELL NO BITCH!!!!”
Jim flies headfirst at
the other seagull…
This is when I finished
my cigarette and left. I’ll never know what happened to Jim or that pizza. Some
say a hungry buss ate him, others say “skwak, skwak” but I like to believe that he defended that booty with all his might and in the end his perseverance paid
off. He’s probably up high on some building eating his pizza slice with some
hot young thing who lives by the beach. They’ll probably get married someday.
