Sunday, December 21, 2014

Knowledge and Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing whether it’s a poop or a fart.
Wisdom is understanding the importance of knowing whether it’s a poop or a fart.

A smart person will have checks in place to deduce whether it’s a poop or a fart.

A wise person will take precautions in case his deduction was wrong.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Seagull At Work

Ok so I was downstairs having a smoke and I noticed a seagull at work. He was getting at a slice of pizza and the way he did it was really interesting to me here’s how it went down from his point of view.

I’ll call the seagull “Jim” to make things easier to follow.

“Ok let’s see if there’s anything around here”
Jim flies around surveying the road for anything delicious that may be laying around.
“Wow there’s a bit of potential.”
Jim spots an overflowing rubbish bin on the side of the road with pizza boxes laying around it and one balanced delicately on top. He swoops down and lands on it.
“I’ll just land on here and –WOW WHAT THE FUCK, UNSTABLE SURFACE!”
He thinks to himself as the pizza box starts wiggling beneath his feet and he has to make a sudden glide onto the sidewalk. Pizza box crashes down from the top of the rubbish pile protruding over the brim of the bin.
“Phew, close one. I could have lost a leg like Marty. Situation averted –Wow ho, ho! What’s this?! Well hello there slice of Domino’s Godfather. How are you today? What was that? Ready for consumption? Why don’t I just help you with that?”
Suddenly a man comes walking down the road.
 “Oh shit here comes one of those flightless bipeds. I knew this was too good to be true he’s probably put this here in an attempt to trap me. Well I’m too smart for you huoomAn!”
The man passes ignoring Jim.
“Hmm he clearly wasn’t the one who lay this clever trap here for me. I’ll just walk around and see if the true mastermind will show himself…. Guess I was just being paranoid”
Jim starts pecking at the slice of pie after walking around it cautiously for a while. Another man comes walking down the road.
*hum gobble chew*”Oh shit he’s probably gonna want this too. God damn it, you can’t find a score like this and not expect someone else to want in on it too.”
Jim flies up onto the canopy above. The man passes without giving the pizza a single glance.
“Hmm… What is wrong with these people? None of them seem to care about this delicious slice. Oh well more for me.”
Jim swoops back down and continues munching on the slice. A few more people walk past. He keeps an eye on them but doesn’t stop eating. Suddenly a bus comes down the road.
“Oh shit one of those huge things! I’ve seen those eat people he’ll definitely try to eat anything he sees. AHHH DON’T EAT ME!!!!”
Jim flies off, down the road then back up to the canopy above the bin and pizza.
“Hmm he was probably full. Those things do nothing but eat people and run around all day. This would probably just get stuck in his teeth. Let’s get back to it then.”
Back down he goes and continues eating it. A few more cars come through that scare Jim back onto the canopy till he finally realizes they have no interest in his pizza. However the sidewalk is a dangerous place for a nice dinner so he comes up with a plan.
“I can’t eat this down there. I’ve been lucky so far but at any moment a hungry thing that’s much bigger than me will want my slice and it’ll probably try to eat me too. Even if that doesn’t happen who can relax and eat when the danger is so great. I’d better take it somewhere nice and quiet, preferably with mood lighting and hot, young, horny chicks.”
He flies down once more and grabs the corner of the pizza slice in his beak and takes off.
He drops the slice onto the road.
“I’m not losing this. Oh shit, car. FUCK YOU THIS IS MINE! Damn it he’s chasing me!!!”
He runs along the road for a while trying to get out of the cars way which has now slowed down and is in response trying to dodge Jim but his attempt to run in zigzag and dodge the car only  gets him right in its path again so he flies up and swoops back down when it has passed.
“Seagus Christ that thing was gunning for me. And the way it slowed down I could tell he was getting ready to pounce. That’s it no more distractions I’m going for it!”
He swoops back down pecking at the slice and dodging cars left and right finally the road is too busy and he has to fly up again.
“Hmm there seems to be a pattern to this flow of danger. Maybe if I wait here on the canopy I can study it and choose the right time to strike.”
Suddenly another seagull swoops down at the pizza out of nowhere.
Jim flies headfirst at the other seagull…

This is when I finished my cigarette and left. I’ll never know what happened to Jim or that pizza. Some say a hungry buss ate him, others say “skwak, skwak” but I like to believe that he defended that booty with all his might and in the end his perseverance paid off. He’s probably up high on some building eating his pizza slice with some hot young thing who lives by the beach. They’ll probably get married someday. 

Monday, November 24, 2014

Androgynee the Deity of Gender

My friend recently came out as being transgender. He feels like a woman trapped in a man’s body. This got me thinking, there are very few role models for people who feel as though they were dealt the wrong genitals at birth. For example. Throughout mythology there are no heroes or heroines for gender confused people to look up to. Sure there’s Xena the warrior princess who’s a bit butch and likely a lesbian (The actress who played her in the t.v series Lucy Lawless sure is) but that’s for a different demographic so I decided to make one up.

Disclaimer: If anyone who has struggled with gender in their life feels offended by this, it is not meant to poke fun at you in any way it is just a character I thought of so if you’re offended kindly click away from this page because you’re looking too deep into this and you’re better off surfing sites that won’t piss you off.

Androgynee, the deity of gender: neither male nor female. Androgynee is gender free and can switch between genders as Androgynee pleases. Therefore gender specific words such as; he, she, his, her etc. cannot be used to talk about Androgynee and only Androgynee’s name may be used as a reference. Androgynee, whether appearing as male or female, appears divinely handsome or beautiful and is the epitome of masculinity or femininity depending on the form taken. Needless to say Androgynee can also appear at various degrees of either. Androgynee is capable of turning men into women and vice versa and has been known to take people’s genitals away as punishment, leaving them with nothing but a flat bump and a tiny hole to pee from. Androgynee cannot take away or change a person’s sexual preferences though.


…is the demigod/ess offspring of Androgynee, the deity of gender. Hermaphroleas is, as the name suggests, a hermaphrodite and is therefore both male and female. Hermaphroleas has the strength of a thousand people, 500 men and 500 women (for those mathematicians out there I’m basing this on average strength). S/he travels the world teaching tolerance and coming to the rescue of those who are oppressed for their gender ambiguity. Androgynee, like all Greek deities seemed to do, rather liked getting it on with humans and since Androgynee can’t reproduce on Androgynee’s own, Androgynee raped a man, Pudentus, taking his seed, incubating it in Androgynee’s body and then made sweet, consensual love to Androgynee’s most faithful worshipper, Phalemea who bore Androgynee an offspring. The other gods and goddesses got jealous coz they all kinda fancied Androgynee even though none of them were ever exclusive and they set 26 labors for Hermaphroleas (these will be detailed at a later date). It was said that upon completing the 26 labors Hermaphroleas would be allowed up on Olympus to live with Androgynee and the other gods and goddesses. While Hermaphroleas is often sought out by many gods and goddesses as the object of their affections s/he is also often shunned and attacked by others due to their lack of tolerance and disgust towards him/er. Oftentimes many of the gods and goddesses will switch from being pro Hermaphroleas to against him/er or vice versa. Hermaphroleas is often shunned and misunderstood by society for being different and has trouble fitting in but despite all this hardship s/he never hides his/er true self and is proud to the bone of who s/he is. Sometimes to his/er detriment considering this immense pride keeps him/er from ever donning a disguise to overcome challenges choosing instead to face everything head on making it clear who s/he is. His/er battle cry “I am Hermaphroleas!!!”, which has been described as a deep rumbling screech, is known to be so loud and terrifying that it can blow regular men off their feet and strike fear, confusion and immense discomfort in the hearts of even the most hardened soldiers.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Invitation to our Extraterrestrial Neighbors

Click on the link above, read it with an open mind and make your choice. Do we wish for extraterrestrial guides to present themselves to us and give us a step up into the universe where we can finally meet all else who inhabit it and witness its wonders or do we want to be left alone to our own devices and continue down this descending spiral into oblivion.

This article could be a fake but in reality whether it is or isn't doesn't matter. I've always wanted to travel through the vastness of our universe and learn about other beings. Here an opportunity to do just that has presented itself at no cost other than to make a choice and verbalize it. This is easier than voting because it's a simple choice that you can do from the comfort of wherever it is you're sitting right now.

Do I, Boko Great, wish that you show up?

I am a God Amongst Tabs

So I noticed something very interesting one day. If you read the title you probably guessed that what I noticed was that I am a god. No I don’t mean like how spiritual people say it (that we are all divine being connected in an unfathomable way). I mean I am the sovereign deity of a world with a populace whom I observe and judge as an external being. Just like how religious people use the word “god”.

A world populated by tabs.

I noticed a pattern in my use of tabs which was as follows; I open (create/breathe life into) a tab whenever I need them (whenever I have a specific purpose in mind that each one needs to fulfill). Then I read/watch or do whatever it is I’m gonna do with it and I close it (ending its existence once it has fulfilled its purpose in its life). However the tabs sometimes get carried away and overpopulate their world and I come along, all Old Testament style, and start exterminating them in numbers without them having fulfilled their role in this world. I just decide “you know what there are too many of you mothafuckas and it’s messing with my ram” (which is what I assume the gods in all the holy books think when they send out a plague or pit their followers against the elements). That’s when I choose my true loyal servants (the tabs I still want to read) and mercilessly destroy (close) the others without giving them a second look.

Basically if I think of my Chrome browser as a world, the tabs as the inhabitants and I am the merciless, vengeful and angry god that controls their pitiful little lives at the tips of my fingers. Oh and oftentimes I am oh so very merciless. I guess maybe one day a savior will be opened who will take all their uselessness and be closed for their sins only to reopen again all on his own just to prove that he’s not like any other tabs… So I guess Jesus was probably the result of malware on Earth.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

We’re a Species of Drama Queens and Attention Seekers

Everybody knows that one person, usually bitchy and girlish, who just thrives on creating drama and drawing attention to her/himself. [I guess this person just became a hermaphrodite thanks to political correctness] These people just aren't content when things are calm and peaceful and everybody loves everybody. They itch to pick at tiny little irrelevant things or situations till they become inflamed and angry like a tiny, deep pimple that got scratched, poked and prodded into monstrous proportions and became a big red boil.  I think it’s fair to say we all hate it when these boil-creating herms start plotting and working little schemes even if they're normally our friend the rest of the time. However I am here to tell you to stop judging them because despite the fact that they do this in the most obvious and annoying way imaginable we actually all do it collectively as a species and I think that’s part of the reason we’re here today fighting wars and living in cities as opposed to chillaxing, peacefully in bountiful trees that provide all the comforts we could ever ask for.

Let me explain;
It’s common to see a cow lazing about in a fenced off paddock not giving a damn that she’s an over milked slave who’s destined to become a cheeseburger. She's got grass and sunshine and not a care in the world or a lion pride who have just finished off a couple of gazelles so they lay peacefully around the local watering hole next to their kill’s cousin not even giving them a second look because, fuck it, they’re full and won’t need to eat again for at least half a week so Bloody McGhee’s kin can stand just feet away from them looking at them like they're a “cute widow kitty” knowing full well they’re in absolutely no danger of even being looked at like a piece of meat.  That’s because peaceful animals are quite happy being content their entire lives. As long as they’re fed and fucked on a regular basis you can keep even the most dangerous beasts as pets. Humans though (and when I say humans I mean including some species of monkeys who seem to have followed us down a particularly dark alley of evolution) we can’t stand being content. We all wish for world peace but if we got it we’d be over it within a fortnight. I’ll give you some examples. How often do you hear stories about someone who finds a perfect partner, one who’s got so much in common with them and also knows exactly how to touch them beneath the sheets only to get bored of them months later because they don’t provide enough excitement in their life? Don’t get me wrong there are exceptions to the rule. There are people who, like the humble cow, can find a quiet spot and nap there till they die. However most of us crave excitement in some form or another. You see it in children playing with one another. They’ll do something that they know will hurt their friend just for a laugh and then play it off like they didn't know any better. Or say a very powerful and rich country or corporation, who’s a leader in their field, will do the most inhumane and cruel things just to push themselves up just one more level up the golden pyramid of assholes, despite already having more money and power than they know what to do with.

Don’t misunderstand I’m not saying it’s necessarily a bad thing. It’s probably the reason we’re alive today and Neanderthals are not. Coz we got bored with the cushy meadow by the lake where we’d been living for generations and decided to climb over that mountain and kick somebody’s ass just to feel alive. This mentality of non-willingness to settle for being content is what lead to civilizations and structured society. Now back to our hairier cousins, monkeys who exhibit that same kind of erratic or cruel behavior tend to live in larger more organized groups and are generally more intelligent. I can't say whether it was our unwillingness to push on, seeking excitement that made us intelligent or if it’s due to our intelligence that we get bored doing the same thing for very long but the two seem to go hand in hand.

Our inability to just sit peacefully has led to some horrible mistreatment of our fellow man, yes, but it’s also brought us so many benefits. Military research gets turned into awesome non-lethal stuff all the time. The internet is a perfect example of military technology improving more lives than it snuffed out and just recently I read an article where they mentioned that anti-tank missile detectors can be used to detect malaria early enough to do something about it. This lust for drama and excitement that we all share can be a bit annoying at times, especially when it gets genocidal but the silver lining to that dark cloud is that future generations and our species as a whole ends up finding a way to benefit from it.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying let’s stir more shit because there’s gonna be a pot of gold at the end of it all. I think we'd all prefer the pot of gold to not be covered in blood and guts or feces for that matter. Just like every beauty pageant contestant, I too want world peace. However I realize that as soon as we achieve it, if we don’t find something else to keep us entertained quick we're probably going to go insane and murderous with from boredom. So I propose that as a species we start to seek excitement more in the form of climbing over the mountain and maybe even base jumping off it rather than thinking of new and clever ways to murder each other. We should swap the military and space exploration budgets around and, shit, we’ll probably be holidaying on other planets by the end of the decade all while not firing a single rifle at one another because there was only enough money in the budget for guns or bullets but not both.

Anyway moral of the story is if we’re not careful our political correctness can turn unsuspecting hypothetical people into bi-gendered attention hogs that don’t have any facebook friends.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

In an Argument Both Parties are Right till Somebody Wins (This post will most likely, definitely make you a better human being who get's laid constantly)

Like all great epiphanies; from the discovery that fire makes meat taste better to the realization that gravity is a thing, this one came to me after I tried being a smartass in a Facebook comment.

To give you the brief summary:
 The original status post posed the question of who would win in a match between a UFC fighter and all other professional fighters at the same time. My rebuttal was that the question was like asking who would win in a Rock, Paper, Scissors game between paper and all of the above, including paper (since UFC fighters are also technically professional fighters, at least the ones who get paid). This was then met with a brilliant counter argument that since UFC fighters were objectively so much better that all other professional fighters it’s more like a huge, super hard rock (let’s say a corundum boulder) vs scissors, paper and a bunch of smaller tinier rocks (talcum powder). I then admitted defeat and pointed out that the conversation had been a lot like an RPS duel itself and that I was surely not the victor… or was I?

That’s the thing about debates and opinions. No one side is right till they manage to objectively defeat their opponent in a verbal bout of Rock, Paper, Scissors. You keep throwing opinions at each other that you passionately believe in, in an attempt to eventually provide one that trumps your opponent therefore convincing them and everyone in the auditorium, courtyard or party that you believed the thing that is cold hard truth all along whereas your opponent is a predictable idiot who probably still believes in Santa Clause. It’s a rudimentary comparison but in essence it’s perfect.

So next time you have a heated argument with someone. Instead of getting angry, ignoring what they say or repeating the same beat down old point. Look at the whole thing like a game of RPS and think strategically about how to win. After all no one’s ever won an RPS duel by throwing rock repeatedly all over their opponent’s paper and face while yelling “I win!”… oh wait that’s probably how the first fight started… food for thought.  

Oh and here’s a little tip if you ever lose. Calling “Best out of three!” right afterwards is a valid and universally acceptable way to graciously admit loss of the battle without conceding the war. 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people on Earth;

People who are alive and people who are dead.

Which one you are says a lot about what you're like at parties. The former are fairly unpredictable but the latter always tend to be smelly, antisocial and somewhat decomposey but they will never, ever steal your alcohol.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Something You Probably Never Noticed About Pigeons

I live in the centre of town, the central business district. Most people I see whilst walking down the street during the day are either going to work, university or are meeting someone for a coffee, lunch, maybe even a movie. My point is that despite the fact that yes some people like myself do live in this neighbourhood (and I’m not talking about homeless people) this is generally a place where people come to work or socialize. At night it’s rife with sweaty party people stumbling about and yelling nonsense at the top of their lungs. This is the place where people come to work or socialize. That’s the function of this place for us humans.

Then again maybe it’s not just us that see it that way. As I said I live here and I noticed something interesting which anyone living in a big city can see too if you just look.

Pigeons seem to use this part of town for exactly the same purpose. I noticed that despite the multitudes of pigeons you might see all over town you only ever see one demographic, teens and adults, i.e those pigeons who have left school and are starting a job and a family. They only do two things here; look for food and socialize. I realised that despite all the pigeons I see flying around, scrounging around for crumbs or picking up chicks (pun totally intended), I never see any dead pigeons anywhere. Nor do I ever see nests or baby pigeons and before you start yelling at your screen that their nests are probably on rooftops or that’s probably where they go to die, that’s not the case (I checked). Pigeons come to town to look for food [go to work] or to look for mating partners [socialize]. Their homes are somewhere else. Probably in some nice uptown suburban neighbourhood where they can send their kids to posh private schools that charge thousands of crumbs to teach flying lessons that the chicks probably would have learnt themselves just by jumping from the nest.
 Now, in all honesty, I have done exactly zero research on the lifestyles of pigeons so this is entirely based on my own observations but I’ve been on several high rooftops around town plus I can see a whole other bunch of them from my balcony and I have never seen a single nest or dead pigeon in town. As for the private schools for the chicks well you can just tell from their smug demeanour that pigeons aren’t the kind of birds that would send their pompous little brats to a public school where they might fraternize with “those filthy” seagulls. That’s right, pigeons are super racist.

“What’s the point of all this?” You’re probably thinking to yourself. I’ll tell you what. The point is that if pigeons realized that they are no different from seagulls and that they are both birds who inhabit the planet earth, bleed red blood and evolved from dinosaurs then maybe they’d send their kids to public schools like normal birds, where the little runts would learn how to deal with a seagull bullying them for the slice of bread that they worked so hard to find instead of just standing around watching the big, white bastard eat their hard earned meal.

Don’t even get me started on sparrows…

Sunday, September 21, 2014

States of Reality

There's a lot of debate (if you're one to get into these sorts of conversations) about what is real and what isn't. Reality is a very hard thing to define because if you think about it, it's just like Morpheus says "What is 'real', how do you define 'real'? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain." I personally believe that the only true indisputable definition for 'real' is whatever you're experiencing at any given moment at any given time. This moment in time is the only true reality because the moment that just passed is a memory and our brains are very good at fabricating false memories so there goes their credibility. However we can't very well live our lives one moment at a time because, despite the fact that it would be super fun and we'd all be crazy adrenaline junkies with no regard for the future, it would be detrimental to the survival of our species if we didn't plan ahead and use past experiences for guidance.

When asked most people would describe something as being real the same way Neo seemed to understand the concept. If you can sense it, it must be real. They are, of course, referring to physical reality but what about the things you taste, touch, see, smell and hear in your dreams or in your fantasies (or for the hippies out there, when you meditate). When you dream you are completely immersed in another world and you can sense everything as fully and realistically as you can in your waking life. Yet most people disregard that as a fabrication or a trick of the mind. (which as I mentioned not too long ago your brain totally does with your precious memories anyway) Then we come back to the point that nothing is really real to you until you experience it. For example we're told that we live on a planet that's floating in space but for all we know the sky is a giant glass globe that changes color like those glasses which get darker in sunlight and clear in dimly lit areas. Unless you go out into space yourself and watch as the rocket pierces through our atmosphere and pops out into the infinite vastness of outer space you're really just taking other people's word for it and I don't know if you're aware but people have been know to lie.

So these are some of the logistical problems you run into when trying to define reality. My personal belief is there there is nothing that isn't real. From images floating around in your mind to the keys on your keyboard and your plans for the future. All things are essentially made up of the same energy so I propose dealing with reality the same way we deal with matter. We have states of matter; solid, liquid, gas and plasma. Well I think we can look at reality in the same way and categorize it in states. Here is how I've sorted it.

Solid Reality
   These are tangible things that leave evidence of their existence. Basically anything occupying the physical plane. Anything that you can touch, taste or see.

Liquid Reality
   Here you find ethereal things that have a strong connection to physical reality. Things likes memories or future plans. Thins that are either going to become solid reality or came from solid reality.

Gaseous Reality
  This is the super ethereal. Your dreams or fantasies. This reality doesn't really leave a mark or affect solid reality directly however if for example you lived a hundred years ago and you fantasized about flying to the moon, that gaseous fantasy became liquid and a trip was planned and eventually executed bringing it into a solid state.

Plasma Reality
   As with states of matter, plasma is the one that doesn't fit nicely with the others. This is the reality where things like out of body experiences, hallucinations, control or your internal energy through martial arts and meditation. It's sort of lives side by side with Solid Reality but it's not quite the same. The quantum world for example lives in Plasma Reality because it's sort of here but doesn't follow the same rules as physical objects.

Using this model we can clearly express and deal with different forms of reality as opposed to disregarding things as just our imagination and letting it affect our lives. For example people with hypnagogic hallucinations (that's where you wake up but still see, hear and feel things from yours dreams. It feels just like anything else and you're up and alert but if someone were in the room with you they wouldn't see anything) can actually deal with it with a different perspective other than "I gotta stop seeing all this stuff that isn't real". My rationale is if you're seeing it, it's real because you're sensing it and therefore it is part of your world and your reality.

Another area where this model comes in handy is subjective and objective reality. Solid Reality is objective. We are all affected by it and can't really just mind-over-matter it away but as you get to the less stable realities they become more and subjective and manipulatable.

So here is a scenario:

Say you dream of living in a city in the clouds.[Gaseous Reality-you can envision yourself there but you can change that vision with ease and it has no effect on the world around you] Then you win the lottery in every country simultaneously and your partners billionaire grandparent dies leaving you with all the cash so you decide "You know what? I'm gonna build a city in the clouds" so you start planning and designing it [Liquid Reality-the vision is now on its way to being realized and experienced by everyone else] Finally you build it and everyone is amazed that you achieved such an extraordinary architectural feat and everyone wants to move there and you become even richer and use all your money to end poverty around the world [Solid Reality-there are clear changes happening in the physical plane that can't be denied by anyone] Finally you notice all these monk moving to your city and they claim it's because the energy there is purer or cleaner or something along those lines [Plasma Reality-to them it's a tangible difference, to you it's gobbledy gook]

This whole concept is still in its infancy so I'm open to suggestions from fresh eyes but keep in mind this isn't an invitation to debate what is real and what isn't it's an invitation to suggest ideas and input for this whole 'everything is real' model. Suggestions must build on this model. If you do want to debate reality we can do that too just somewhere else.

Thursday, September 4, 2014


We think of the human race as this amazing species capable of all these great things. We see a bright future ahead for our descendants and so much hope and potential in those living today. But in the grand scheme of things and considering the fact that we are obviously fucking up pretty bad right now, messing with the planet when we've barely even traveled past our front lawn part of space... we are huge fuck ups. Not individually, because some of us are very intelligent and caring with tons of potential, but as a species and i think it goes without saying but i can't pull the whole species up alone. Here's the funny thing though, we don't realise just how big of a fuck up we are because we're part of us and we think "Yeah we've made some mistakes but we're not bad people" whilst carelessly poisoning everything around us including the planet that we need to survive. Our stupidity is killing us slowly. It's like we've buried ourselves neck deep into the sand on the beach at low tide and we're only just realizing that the ocean is creeping toward us with a vangefull look in its froth and we still try to deny it.