5 Things I Don't Understand About Gaining Weight

So this started as an attempt at a Cracked.com article but when I couldn't figure out where to post pitches I decided to add to one of my blog posts. 

I can't put on fat. I seem to lose it, when I don't eat enough but when I conform to a regular diet I generally start the same weight fluctuating between a couple of kgs (depending on whether I've taken a dump or not). What I'm saying is gaining or losing weight makes absolutely no sense to me.

1: How Quickly Do You Gain Weight?

I have absolutely no idea. How long does it take a burger to "go straight to your ass"? What is bulking? And where does all this fat come from? These are all questions that every normal person seems to have answers to except me. 

There are three body types; Ectomorphs, mesomorphs and endomorphs. Each has their own affinity to gaining weight. Endomorphs have a huge (excuse the pun) affinity to it, mesomorphs are sort of in-between ("meso" duh) and ectomorphs seem to have missed that class in morphology 101. So yes I can often feel cold when others don't or... nope that's pretty much the only thing i can see myself missing out on. I've tried to put on weight before, actively, by eating a lot of junk food and doing absolutely nothing day in and day out but i feel like all that did was make me lazy... lazy and skinny. I guess I’ve always had the advantage of having a six pack over my (chubbier) peers but then again a six pack on a skinny dude is like big tits on a fat chick, it's a given.

I've never understood why my friends will forgo a burger or chocolate bar or a coke because they're "watching their weight". How do you even watch your weight, does this shit happen overnight? What does "weight watchers" even mean? I understand "star gazing" better than that. At worst i'll have a five pack and that because two of my abs will seemingly fuse into one over long periods of doing nothing but watch anime, reading articles and just general interneting for months at a time. So yeah if somebody could answer this question for me it would really help me understand what the whole hysteria is about.

2: I Can't Tell When I’ve Lost Weight

It's actually really hard to tell when you're skinny. My friends and family seem to notice, like they know some secret I don't but when I look in the mirror I just think "Damn I look more rock star in this". I can't even tell if it's my facial hair or my clothes or haircut, seriously it's a mystery to me and yet it seems so clear to everyone else. 

I look at myself in the mirror before i take a dump and I’m thinking "Damn I’ve gotten fat" five minutes later I’m off the can looking back in the mirror thinking "Well that sure was hard work" (15 minutes if i had a wank while I was on there). 

I'm not anorexic or anything. I actually have a pretty good physique (don't mean to brag). There's muscle where there should be muscle and slightly visible bone structure where that is due. I'm not like Skeletor trying to take over the universe over here. When i look at my fingers as i type this there's a distinct... distinction between muscle, bone, more muscle and veins. Not just bone and veins like an anorexic person (or super models, as they are more commonly known). My point is when someone tells me they’re trying to lose weight and they're eating less chocolate or drinking less soda it makes absolutely no sense to me how any of that would help when every time I eat or drinks either of those thing nothing comes on and when i haven't had them in a while (I’m not particularly addicted to chocolate although i go through a lot of coke... soda!) there's absolutely no change. 

3: Muscle Gain. What, How?

So I started going to the gym with my brother and I’ve had long periods or either gymming, playing basketball or doing stunts. My point is I’m no stranger to intense regular exercise but the heaviest I’ve weighted myself at was 66.6 (Christians look away) and i currently weigh in at... well before i started hitting the gym with my brother again 62 then after a couple of months of hard training at least 4 days a week... go on guess... 63.5.... That literally could have been all the feces building up in my colon that day.  So what the hell gym-nuts, where do you find all the muscle? I'm sure it must get mailed to you when you sign up for a longer membership or something coz i only signed up for 12 months and i didn't get shit. 

I've got friends who went from as skinny as I am to musclebound, hulking specimens. Shit my own cousin was the scrawniest of the bunch when we were kids and now he's a professional gymnast performing around the world in circus shows in a "Strong Men" duet. He's as wide as i am tall, respectively. Where does all this muscle mass hide? I know it's under one these machines but i keep lifting them and just can't find it. It must be under one of those squat machines that all the hot chicks keep hogging.

4: Lucky Me. 

I know what you're thinking "Stop complaining. Lucky you, you don't have to worry about what you eat." but that makes me worry even more. When people keep questioning "Where does it all go?" (Because normally I do eat a lot. Probably more than the average person.) It makes me wonder as well. Do I have some sort or parasite and if I do should I get rid of it or are we living in a symbiotic relationship where it eats most of my food and I get to stay looking summer ready day in and day out? Maybe it's all the fidgeting I do and the fact that even when I’m sitting doing nothing I’m most likely shaking a foot or something. Is possibly just a quicker heart rate, burning all excess energy away and if it is, is that good for my heart? It's hard to deal with these possibilities and coming from a family that doesn't have much trust for doctors or medicine and shit it's hard to answer these questions. WebMD will probably just tell me I have AIDs or Cancer or am dying in some way. Which I already know coz aren't we all but if I really want to know when and of what I should, what, console a psychic? It all really frustrating. Not quite the joy ride all you fatties think it is. 

5: Life is Life

To be absolutely frank I don't all that much of my life thinking about it. There are moments but in reality I just accept that I have a faster metabolism than most (whatever that means) and I’m probably not gonna die tomorrow unless it's by my own hand or, you know, a freak street-crossing accident or something. This really isn't something naturally skinny people need to stress over because I know I’m not the only one and we all suffer the same questions. It is hard sitting in certain positions because due to the lack of fat it's very easy to cut one's circulation off but you know what, that's why there's more than one sitting position. I guess in some ways I’m blessed and I should be grateful and I am but in other ways I seriously just don't understand the world most people live in. 

I hope all'o'y'all can take one thing away from this. Regardless of your body type, nobody is perfectly comfortable in their own skin. Sure I may be light and better at free running, ninja skills or just general movement than you but I get just as insecure about why I’m the way I am as you do. So whether you're a fatty boom boom, a skeleton muthafucka or a stock standard you're probably wondering what the hell is going on with you just as much as the next guy.