5 Things I Don't Understand About Gaining Weight

So this started as an attempt at a Cracked.com article but when I couldn't figure out where to post pitches I decided to add to one of my blog posts. 

I can't put on fat. I seem to lose it, when I don't eat enough but when I conform to a regular diet I generally start the same weight fluctuating between a couple of kgs (depending on whether I've taken a dump or not). What I'm saying is gaining or losing weight makes absolutely no sense to me.

1: How Quickly Do You Gain Weight?

I have absolutely no idea. How long does it take a burger to "go straight to your ass"? What is bulking? And where does all this fat come from? These are all questions that every normal person seems to have answers to except me. 

There are three body types; Ectomorphs, mesomorphs and endomorphs. Each has their own affinity to gaining weight. Endomorphs have a huge (excuse the pun) affinity to it, mesomorphs are sort of in-between ("meso" duh) and ectomorphs seem to have missed that class in morphology 101. So yes I can often feel cold when others don't or... nope that's pretty much the only thing i can see myself missing out on. I've tried to put on weight before, actively, by eating a lot of junk food and doing absolutely nothing day in and day out but i feel like all that did was make me lazy... lazy and skinny. I guess I’ve always had the advantage of having a six pack over my (chubbier) peers but then again a six pack on a skinny dude is like big tits on a fat chick, it's a given.

I've never understood why my friends will forgo a burger or chocolate bar or a coke because they're "watching their weight". How do you even watch your weight, does this shit happen overnight? What does "weight watchers" even mean? I understand "star gazing" better than that. At worst i'll have a five pack and that because two of my abs will seemingly fuse into one over long periods of doing nothing but watch anime, reading articles and just general interneting for months at a time. So yeah if somebody could answer this question for me it would really help me understand what the whole hysteria is about.

2: I Can't Tell When I’ve Lost Weight

It's actually really hard to tell when you're skinny. My friends and family seem to notice, like they know some secret I don't but when I look in the mirror I just think "Damn I look more rock star in this". I can't even tell if it's my facial hair or my clothes or haircut, seriously it's a mystery to me and yet it seems so clear to everyone else. 

I look at myself in the mirror before i take a dump and I’m thinking "Damn I’ve gotten fat" five minutes later I’m off the can looking back in the mirror thinking "Well that sure was hard work" (15 minutes if i had a wank while I was on there). 

I'm not anorexic or anything. I actually have a pretty good physique (don't mean to brag). There's muscle where there should be muscle and slightly visible bone structure where that is due. I'm not like Skeletor trying to take over the universe over here. When i look at my fingers as i type this there's a distinct... distinction between muscle, bone, more muscle and veins. Not just bone and veins like an anorexic person (or super models, as they are more commonly known). My point is when someone tells me they’re trying to lose weight and they're eating less chocolate or drinking less soda it makes absolutely no sense to me how any of that would help when every time I eat or drinks either of those thing nothing comes on and when i haven't had them in a while (I’m not particularly addicted to chocolate although i go through a lot of coke... soda!) there's absolutely no change. 

3: Muscle Gain. What, How?

So I started going to the gym with my brother and I’ve had long periods or either gymming, playing basketball or doing stunts. My point is I’m no stranger to intense regular exercise but the heaviest I’ve weighted myself at was 66.6 (Christians look away) and i currently weigh in at... well before i started hitting the gym with my brother again 62 then after a couple of months of hard training at least 4 days a week... go on guess... 63.5.... That literally could have been all the feces building up in my colon that day.  So what the hell gym-nuts, where do you find all the muscle? I'm sure it must get mailed to you when you sign up for a longer membership or something coz i only signed up for 12 months and i didn't get shit. 

I've got friends who went from as skinny as I am to musclebound, hulking specimens. Shit my own cousin was the scrawniest of the bunch when we were kids and now he's a professional gymnast performing around the world in circus shows in a "Strong Men" duet. He's as wide as i am tall, respectively. Where does all this muscle mass hide? I know it's under one these machines but i keep lifting them and just can't find it. It must be under one of those squat machines that all the hot chicks keep hogging.

4: Lucky Me. 

I know what you're thinking "Stop complaining. Lucky you, you don't have to worry about what you eat." but that makes me worry even more. When people keep questioning "Where does it all go?" (Because normally I do eat a lot. Probably more than the average person.) It makes me wonder as well. Do I have some sort or parasite and if I do should I get rid of it or are we living in a symbiotic relationship where it eats most of my food and I get to stay looking summer ready day in and day out? Maybe it's all the fidgeting I do and the fact that even when I’m sitting doing nothing I’m most likely shaking a foot or something. Is possibly just a quicker heart rate, burning all excess energy away and if it is, is that good for my heart? It's hard to deal with these possibilities and coming from a family that doesn't have much trust for doctors or medicine and shit it's hard to answer these questions. WebMD will probably just tell me I have AIDs or Cancer or am dying in some way. Which I already know coz aren't we all but if I really want to know when and of what I should, what, console a psychic? It all really frustrating. Not quite the joy ride all you fatties think it is. 

5: Life is Life

To be absolutely frank I don't all that much of my life thinking about it. There are moments but in reality I just accept that I have a faster metabolism than most (whatever that means) and I’m probably not gonna die tomorrow unless it's by my own hand or, you know, a freak street-crossing accident or something. This really isn't something naturally skinny people need to stress over because I know I’m not the only one and we all suffer the same questions. It is hard sitting in certain positions because due to the lack of fat it's very easy to cut one's circulation off but you know what, that's why there's more than one sitting position. I guess in some ways I’m blessed and I should be grateful and I am but in other ways I seriously just don't understand the world most people live in. 

I hope all'o'y'all can take one thing away from this. Regardless of your body type, nobody is perfectly comfortable in their own skin. Sure I may be light and better at free running, ninja skills or just general movement than you but I get just as insecure about why I’m the way I am as you do. So whether you're a fatty boom boom, a skeleton muthafucka or a stock standard you're probably wondering what the hell is going on with you just as much as the next guy. 

Pajama Poem

So I was getting ready to go to a pajama party, looking for pajama pants and as I searched I came up with this little poem.



Pajamas, pajamas,
like hairy bananas,
they come in and out of your life

Then you find one
that gets stuck up your bum
and you wish then that you had a knife

To cut it right out
with a yelp and a shout
and present it with love to your wife.






I may add to it if I can think of some more good verses.

The Saddest Dream

I just had the saddest dream within a dream.

So I just got this thing called Mind Chat and got connected to this girl whom I haven’t spoken to in a while and am quite fond of. < (understatement of the year)

Boy: Hey I just got told about this thing I figured I’d say hi

Girl: Hi, yeah it’s pretty cool. I know it.

Boy: Also I was kinda wanting to talk to you. We haven’t spoken in so long that now every time someone mentions your name I feel like telling them to shut up coz it just reminds me of you and of how I haven’t talked to you in ages.

Girl: …

Boy: I didn’t want your name to turn into a negative reminder. How are you anyway?

Girl: I’m ok. How are you?

Boy: I’m pretty good, work is going good and stuff. Now I just found this mind chat thing, ha ha. It’s actually pretty cool.

Girl: Yeah well you have it installed in your mind.

Boy: What, you don’t? How are we talking then?

Girl: You can connect to anyone you think about but because you have it installed you respond pretty much automatically and completely honestly because it’s in your mind reading your thoughts whereas if the person you’re connected to doesn’t have it installed it waits for a returned response. Anyway I have to go.

Boy: Oh ok, that was quick. Ok well *I lean in*….

Girl: What?

Boy: I’m leaning in for a kiss. You lean in too or I might miss you.

Girl: You already have. Goodbye.

At this stage I woke up from the dream within the dream crying…

Then I proceeded to chase my mate who was jokingly stealing another mate’s car and doing donuts and once I got the car I pretended to steal it too. Then I woke up from that dream and thought “That dream was so sad. I need to write it down.”

So Many Strippers at the Gym

I know what you might be thinking, “Oh here’s another dude that only goes to the gym to stare at hot girls working out, looking sweaty and sexy.” and you’re right but that’s not what this is about. I’m talking about gym instructors. “What do gym instructors have to do with strippers?” you’re probably asking yourself. Well for one thing there’s a good chance that some of them either were, are or will become strippers at some stage in their life. Maybe to help pay for the ridiculously high cost of their gym membership. Which is unnecessary if you ask me coz a single pole can easily replace almost all gym machines since it gives you a way better work out to work one night at the booby bar than a week at the gym. Anyway my point is that gym instructors are a lot like strippers when it comes to their job.

Think about it. Just like strippers, gym instructors strut their sexy, muscular, taut bodies around the establishment looking around while looking sexy and eyeing up potential customers. Just like a stripper you can get their attention for a little while (during which time tips are generally exchanged) but if you really wanna spend some quality time with them you gotta fork out the big bucks. They’re also the ones that entice and convince you to frequent their place of work regularly and try to make you believe that you really need them to spend time with you if you want to leave feeling good.

In conclusion you’re better off doing it all at home by yourself with the help of videos from the internet. Although it does feel a little more satisfying to go in and get some hands on action.

The Question Was "How do you explain God"

This one is a bit more serious than usual.

My belief is that, as string theory suggests, everything is made up of the same energy so me, you, your shoes, my thoughts, the electricity that creates the image on your screen and even what seems like emptiness in space is all exactly the same energy at its core.

I like to think of it like ice cubes in a pool of water surrounded by steam. All made up of the same stuff but in different forms. I believe that, that stuff is God. The all encompassing energy that is everything, it is existence.

Therefore if you think God is judging you or controlling your life it's kinda true because you are judging yourself and controlling your own life. If you want God to have a plan for you then you must create one for yourself. If you ever think God wants you to do something that you don't wanna do... he doesn't, unless it's your mom asking you to take out the trash. We can't rely on him to save the world, we must take responsibility ourselves. You can't blame God for making you do something because you decided to do it and you are the one who did it.

We are divinity, we are God there is no end and there was no beginning. Everything has always and will always exist just in different forms. Treat others kindly, don't fear death and enjoy your time in this form. Respect others as you would like to be respected.

Rent is Kind of a Weird Concept

I sometimes like to think about stuff. The best way I've found to do this is to strip modern and sometimes over complicated ideas down to their bare bones or at least as close to it as possible.

Take for a moment the concept of renting a home. If we strip down the idea we have to take away concepts like money and ownership or at least bring them back to their natural state (the way it works in the wild). These concepts aren't completely foreign to the natural world seeing as how insects and animals have homes that they own despite not being able to produce the paperwork to prove it. A bee colony will be very adamant about their ownership of their hive if you were to try to dispute it.

Let’s start with a homeowner. This person has occupied a nice little hole in the side of a mountain and has made it pretty clear that, that’s his cave where he lives with his partner and offspring. Suddenly you pass by and you decide that the area seems nice and you’re tired of living life on the move. There’s a nice forest full of berries within walking distance, a stream that’s only a stone’s throw away and you haven't noticed any tiger droppings or gang tags for miles so you know it’s a safe neighborhood. You set down your moose pelt backpack which contains some dried meat and all your stone tools and good sticks that you've been carrying around for forever and go into the bush to find some fruit for dinner.

Upon your return you notice that someone has gone into your bag there are paw prints all around it and your favorite stick is gone along with some dried meat. That night you settle down to sleep but it starts raining. Not only do you get drenched but you can barely sleep because you're so cold. The home owner notices that you're not having a good time and being the business savvy chap that he is, he makes you an offer:

He’ll let you sleep in his cave, hang out there whenever you want and keep your stuff there without chasing you out or attacking you on the condition that you promise to abide by his rules (tenancy agreement) and you also have to provide him with a basket of fruit or a small animal every day  (rent). You also have to give him your best stone tool to hold till you leave. This, he tells you, is to ensure you have something to lose and that he has compensation if you break the rules (bond).

Of course you agree, the two of you shake hands and so begins the tale of the landlord and the tenant.